Hi
This is me, Cindy. I am probably the luckiest woman on earth because I married one of the nicest most pure and good hearted men that have ever existed. We have been married for over 10 years and I find this to be true in every way every day. He is truly good and I had almost given up on someone like him existing. Guys like him were a thing of fairytales, or so I thought. Okay, he isn't perfect. He loses the keys constantly, he will NOT dance, and he does not like chick flicks. But he is kind, caring and completely selfless. People naturally gravitate to him and strangers have commented to me on the spirit he gives off.
Now. The reason for the blog.
He is treated just horribly by his daughters. Dave (Mr. Wonderful) was married to their mother for about 15 years. The relationship according to both parties was riddled with alcohol abuse, violence, and emotional trauma. When Dave decided to leave, he sincerely felt that if he confronted his ex-wife violence would ensue as it had in the past. He left her a letter and through help from friends and family he left. Had all gone to plan he would have phoned in the evening and informed her of his whereabouts and suggested a plan of follow up action. Instead, his ex-wife contacted his job and someone on site told her he had left the company. There had been many disputes on the raising of the children and she panicked thinking perhaps that he had taken the girls as well. In an emotional state, she pulled each of them from school and told them their Dad was gone and she didn't know where he was. You can imagine their fear at 15, 12, and 7. Their mother was distraught and had in the past completely fallen apart but their Dad had been there to look after them.
When he did phone that evening, from America where he had fled for two months, it was a diabolical mess. The mother was drunk, the children were distraught and he was unable to have any kind of straightforward conversation. He told the children he loved them and he would be back in touch the following day. The threats hs ex-wife made further proved to him it was best not to be accessible physically.
The abuse began in earnest, constant drunken phone calls, the middle child was put on the telephone to ask about parts of the female anatomy she had never heard called by name. Money was demanded. He had been given severance pay, he left 1/4 in the bank when he left and sent 2/3 of what he had left to help through the transition. More money was constantly demanded and at one point the mother stated the middle child didn't feel loved by her Dad because he had not sent enough money. Keep in mind he could hear the children in the background listening as these abusive phone calls occurred. Thousands were handed over to try to smooth things. Once he realized the international calls she was placing several times a day were on a phone service in his name, he phoned and explained he was having the phone taken out of his name and she would need to have it put into her name to continue the service. She couldn't understand why he asked her to do this. He explained he did not want to pay for these phone calls and she said "I don't want to have to raise your kids either!" He immediately responded that he would be happy to take the girls and raise them. She hung up in anger.
The phone calls continued. The middle child became abusive. He contacted a child psychiatrist and she told him to continue to try to maintain contact and understand that the child was acting in such a way as to appease and protect her mother. She emphasized it was important to keep assuring the children of his continued affection regardless of their behavior. He did as she said. He desperately wanted to do the right thing.
After the two months, he returned to England. He was allowed one very emotional meeting with his daughters. They were tearful and clung to him, then set about to establish themselves in his new home. Exploring and looking at photos. They wanted to tell him about school and friends, and although it was awkward, it seemed a good beginning.
The next time he called he was informed the girls were traumitized by the visit and never wanted to visit in his home again. If he wanted to see them he must come to their home. He definately wanted to see them, but knowing from friends the threats she continued to make against his welfare, he requested his father be able to accompany him and this was allowed. After 2 or 3 visits she no longer wanted him in her home and was told he could no longer come to her house. The girls began to say they didn't want to see him when he phoned. He continued to phone, he was now jobless and received a small government income, from this he gave 1/2 as child support. He was now told the middle child had no shoes and it was because he left. He asked to take her to get shoes and was told that he was trying to blackmail her with buying her shoes. During the child visitation discussions with the solicitors the middle child asked for it to be formally written into the divorce that she did not want to see her father.
In the meantime, he had applied to go back to America to marry his new girlfriend. A mutual friend came for a visit and made Dave feel he was supportive. He made statements against the ex wifes behavior and said that his wife had begun crossing the street to avoid her public rants in the village where both their children attended school. Dave confided his intention to return to America and because of the trauma it had caused when he didn't tell the girls before he left the first time he wanted to be sure to tell them in person and reassure them. He felt that it would also be a great opportunity for them to travel and broaden their horizons. His ex-wife continued to block visits and there were only phone calls with his daughters, some good, some bad but he continued to try to arrange a visit. As he had explained to his friend, he was still waiting for permission to enter the U.S.
On the day of the middle childs birthday, he phoned to wish her happy birthday, he had sent gifts with his parents. He was confronted with the knowledge that his friend had betrayed him and told the girls he was leaving and in doing so convinced the children he had planned to leave without telling them again. They were understandably distraught. The middle child acted as a very vocal spokesperson and said none of them wanted to see him again. He was completely crushed. His friend had deliberately used him to get information for his ex-wife and after two weeks showed his true colors.
He continued to phone and found that if he called while the mother was at work the girls were more relaxed and they were able to have somewhat normal conversations. He eventually arranged to meet the girls in a carpark. They clung to him and cried upon arrival as they had initially. It was obvious they loved and missed their Dad. Afterwards the visits were stopped again. Then he was told that he could see them under the supervision of the friend who had betrayed is trust. He rejected this situation. Then asked to see them with his father again. He was told no. He called again and again to be told the girls were not home. couldn't talk, etc.
He panicked as he had finally received the ok to enter the U.S. and the date was looming. He suggested everything he could think of but eventually had to say goodbye on the telephone.
He returned to America and was married in a couple of months. He kept them informed and tried to include them in what was happening. They would usually refuse to speak to him or if they did it was accusatory and hurtful. He was told he could not pay child support from America so he began to send the girls money and parcels throught the mail. He was told repeatedly that what he was sent was wrong or rubbish. The money was never enough, but he was unable to work in America and had limited funds.
That November he was told he had to leave the states. Unable to get answers to his VISA problems he again returned to England. He brought massive gifts for the girls. This time he was returning with a wife and step-daughter. They stayed with his parents and Christmas day the youngest daughter phoned up and asked what his step-daughter got for Christmas. THe abusive phone calls began again. The ex would wait until the children were at school, get drunk and call up and have a go. One particular day she realized that she had not filed the paperwork that had put their home completely in her name alone and she needed him to re-sign the papers.She called up and not knowing there were witnesses to the conversation (she was so loud you could hear what she said in the entire room) she cried and begged him not to take the house away. We all heard and heard his response that it would be no preblem, he would sign and get the papers right back to her. She continued to blather and said she didn't trust him and would only let his dad collect and deliver the papers. He agreed again and politely got off the phone. A bit more than an hour later the phone rang and the middle daughter was on the line asking to speak to her father. She lit into him with a load of abusive language calling the worst names she could think of because her mother was crying and drunk when she got home from school and had told her her dad was not going to sign the papers and he was taking their home away. He tried to calm the child and explain but she wouldn't hear him. She shouted more abuse and hung up.In a previous phone call she had told him that she couldn't talk to him on the phone because there was too much pressure. Each phone called incurs a charge in England and so as not to use his parents telephone he went to a public phone and rang and spoke to the oldest daughter who seemed to be trying not to commit to any of it. He askedif her Mom were drunk and she stated she didn't know. He reassured her that he fully intended to sign the papers and that he loved her and her sisters.
For the next two years as he processed his American VISA from across the pond more of the same occurred. He would phone and beg for visitation, be refused and abused by both the ex wife and the children, usually the middle child. He phoned before the youngest childs birthday and asked to take her out for an hour to buy her a gift and the ex wife ground out NO! into the phone and hung up. Once he was allowed to take her out the following year to a garden center and he spent his las tbit of money to buy her a small stuffed toy. The youngest child had for the most part remained curiously uninvolved, then as he prepared to leave she was put on the phone and told him she did not want to see him if "Cindy" was there. When he asked why not, she repled she didn't know. She was 8 at this time.
Once he arrived back in the U.S. (just after 9/11) he received a lovley letter from the youngest daughter stating how frightened she would be to fly. He replied immediately, told her how much he missed her and sent a parcel with a jug ,measuring cups, and kool-aid for her to try. She loved it. The oldest daughter sent a photo of herself curled up with the friend who had betrayed him. He ignored the jibe and told her she was lovely in the photo. It made him angry because he suspected the friend of being a bit of a pervert and the oldest daughter was and is very attractive. When he had asked the friend what he wanted him to bring him as a souvenir from America the friend had responded "A couple of 16 year olds". The oldest daughter was 16 in the photo.
For the next 5 years it continued in the same vein, close, then far, any little thing was used as an excuse to be angry. All three girls started intermittently saying they wanted no contact. Then if he sent anything to the other sisters they would say he was horrible to not include whoever had asked not be be included. It was a no win and through it all he continued to tell them he loved them. Sent lovely letters that would melt a heart of stone that were completely ignored. When the youngest hit her teens she got a web cam. After some time she her dad a photo. It was from an odd angle and a bit blurred but he felt it was a breakthrough. He asked to talk to her on webcam. A comp[letely unexpected and vitriolic email was returned. It was full of angst and anger and she stated it was unfair to her mother to have her ex husbands face in her home. Within a fortnight the childs email account was cancelled and several phone calls later she asked in tears why he had to upset her mother. The following year we went to England for a visit. When he tried to make arrangement to visit the girls in was like talking to maddened snakes. The two younger ones actually hissed at him on the phone. It was finally arranged to meet at the oldest daughters new home. The middle child had been so abusive Dave requested to meet with her seperately. When he arrived the middle child was there. Since h had left England Dave has been diagnosed with ADHD and a heriditary eye condition rendering his left eye useless. As he entered there were several people in the home, as the boy friends of the older two were also there. In his confusion he asked the middle daughter "Who's your friend" Referring to a tall slender blonde next to her. It was the youngest daughter who is a natural brunette who had highlighter her hair. She walked away, he apologized and the older daughter reassured him that she would be okay. Later she came back and sat beside him on the sofa chatting and happy to appearances. As he and his father departed, his father went ahead with the boyfriends to look at one the cars and the girls closed ranks, milling about him with angry accusations. The oldest informed him she had been hospitalized with alcohol poisoning shortly afterly the initial split. He was devastated that after all that had happened this was how it was left.
His birthday is the day after his Mom's. The girls sent her flowers and chocolates and a card. Ignoring their Dad whom they knew to be there with his parents. When the oldest rang to see if the grandmother had received the flowers she asked had they no sent a card for their Dad. It was the first time the Mom and seen first hand what the girls were doing. She asked the oldest not to send her things and not include their Dad. At this point the girls cut off contact with their grandparents. The oldest has the same birthday as her Dad, he had taken her a card, money and a lovely gift of an ornament with a verse about daughters on that lst visit.
A year later Dave and I returned to England to help his parents as his father underwent triple bypass. It was another two years. The oldest approached him at work one day and on occasion stopped by to say hello and would often hug him and tell him she loved him. He continued to maintain contact with the youngest by following her myspace sight. One afternoon he saw photos labelled My Sisters Wedding and this is how he found out his middle daughter was married. Of course the grandparents were also not invited. Dave is an only child and these are their only grandchildren. They live 7 miles from the village where the wedding was held. Taking the high road he sent her a cad of congratulations sincerely wishing her the best. She stopped by his work with her sister and gave him a website to visit to see all the wedding photos and the oldest told him hey were sorry they hadn't invited him but it would have upset their mother. They both hugged him and told them they loved him...
THEN
Because his father was very ill the family as a group decided not to tell the granddaughters that he was having bypass surgery. All contact brought a tremendous amount of emotional trauma and all thought it was not a good idea in his very precarious condition. The surery was riddled with problems and lasted almost twice as long sa normal because his heart ruptured during surgery.The very skilled surgeon saved his life on the table that day much to all our relief.
He receieved a Christmas card from the oldest and phoned her to thank her and told her about the surgery.
Shortly afterwards Dave and I passed the youngest daughter in the street. We didn't approach because all three girls have had panick attacks in the past and he was concerned it owuld upset her. Instead he proceeded to the library and sent her a quick message telling her he had seen her and would like to meet with her intentionally and for the umpteenth time gave her his phone number. Abuse and agression spewed forth in her reply yet again. Many accusations of him being a bad father with no real reasons given as what he had actually done wrong. To this day the worst thing they accuse him of is leaving their mother.
He reply sternly but fairly. She had been putting songs she had written on the inet and although he had never heard one for lack of headset and lack of access anywhere other than the public library he had been supportive and told her he was impressed as she was posting that she was playing publicly. He has always been impressed with music and stated she took after him. She was cruel and harsh in her attack. He explained he was just trying to be nice. The next we heard now all three aren't speaking to him because of this episode on facebook. I saw it all myself and I am sure it has been misrepresented to them again. On his final return to the U.S. he contacted the oldest and sked to say goodbye. She did not respond. As it was left on a phone answering machine, when the last week approached I called her home myself and spoke with her boyfriend. He replied that she HAD gotten the message. He left sadly but no longer surprised. The last thing he had said on her message was that he loves her. All he can do, he had no way to contact the middle child.
A few months ago he sent a message through facebook to his youngest, just said hello glad she was happy and he loves her. Same thing again for a few days. Then he gets yet another nasty message telling him to basically f-off. He decided to let it o but resumed the contact by watching her myspace. Except now his has a laptop at home and headsets. She had posted a video performing a really sad song about him leaving with contradicting lyrics stating she didn't remember him at all then describing in detail the morning he left. It hurt him but he felt she had a right to her pain. But then she posted it on a public forum. He asked politely that she remove that particular song as it hints at him being horrible to her without saying what he has done. Anyone sane person listening to it would think he had left her without contacting her, done terrible cruel things to her and didn't care. None of which are true. There were other songs posted to diplay her talents which were frankly much better performances. In response she posted a discussion on a public platform about how she was badly treated, again the inuendo without facts and said she was going to the Sun paper with her story. Others joined in the trash the Bad Bad Dad discussion including me. I told her I was glad to see she was getting help but she needed to remove the libelous posting and I contacted the web host. Within hours the posting was removed. And that is where it stands today. You can read about Parental Alienation Syndrome but you cannot understand it until you have seen it with your own eyes because it's hard to comprehend people who would go to these limits to hurt another person, destroying their own children in the process.
